crimson_queen

It's so ironic that I was thinking this morning that things are so good and I can't remember the last time I cried.  Now I can say it was today.  I'm so tired of getting drawn into the middle of other peoples' issues.  I have my own life to live, I have my own stresses I'm trying to deal with.  I'm a full time mom to a rambunctious toddler trying to make ends meet on a single income while I take graduate classes full time.  I have quite enough on my plate, I don't need the added stress of trying to put everybody else back together.

I feel like I have plenty of friends so why is it that 90% of the time I want to do something I have nobody to do it with? So frustrating. I'm so thankful to be married to such a great guy who I can usually talk into doing things with me even if it is an all day shop-a-thon or going to a chick flick. They're playing Hocus Pocus tonight (love love love that movie) for free at one of the local theaters but I can't find anybody to go with and Josh can't get out of work to go with me. Whatever, I'm going alone, I really want to go. It just makes me feel sad and lonely when I can't find anybody to make time for me.

That's my sob story for today.

I have been meaning to post for a LONG time but first I didn't have a computer (was only using my iPad and it's a bitch to type anything long on) and then lately I have been so busy to the point where I barely have time for checking my email. I've posted about the fact that I got accepted to grad school and I think I posted that I had started taking classes this summer. I finished the one class they had me take over the summer and did really well in it. Now they have me taking three classes at a time and it's much more challenging. I only have to "attend" an actual class for an hour once a week for each of my three classes by logging into a webinar type forum but that only means that there isn't a lot of time for the professors to lecture which makes it all the more important for me to keep up with the reading. I've always been a slow reader so when I'm expected to read 6-10 chapters a week it's really a struggle but so far I'm keeping up. Tack on top of that any written assignments that I have to do and yeah, I'm very busy. Of course that isn't my full time gig either, I still have Delia all day.

There have definitely been a few times when I've needed to stick her in front of the tv for a better part of the day so that I can get all my work done which I HATE to do but that's really only happened once or twice so far so I guess that's not too bad. I'm thankful that Josh is so supportive. He makes sure that he's done with work at 4:00 every Monday-Thursday so that I have those afternoon/evenings free to do homework and "attend" my classes and he has some vacation time he can take if I really get in a scramble and need more time. The friends I've made through the playgroup I joined are great too. I haven't had to take any of them up on it yet but I've had offers for them to take Delia for a while here and there if I ever get in a pinch. I'm so blessed to have such supportive friends and family.

Speaking of family, things are great. Delia is pretty much talking in full sentences all the time now and amazes me every day with how smart she is. She's 27 months old now and already knows all her colors, her ABCs, and can count like whoa... I don't know if that's normal for kids her age but for me, having watched her grow, it's amazing. She's also getting really good at imaginative play. This morning she was using an eye glasses case as a phone and talking to Cookie Monster. She has her moments but she's such a well behaved little girl. She walks pretty much everywhere we go (holding my hand) and I barely ever use the stroller anymore. She says please, thank you, and you're welcome, and hardly ever sasses back. I'm such a lucky mommy to have such a great little kid.

Other than that there's really not much going on. We've done some apple picking, went to one of the local fairs, went to the Pumpkin Land place near our house. Just a lot of inexpensive, local things. I've also started to get my act together and take better care of myself. I've started exercising again and go for walks every Tuesday and Thursday morning with some friends. I've also started going back to the gym and I am trying to go every Monday and Wednesday evening when I have my homework time. I have been doing about a half hour on the bike and then a half hour on the treadmill and getting some school reading done while I'm at it. So far it's working out pretty well... I haven't seen any results on the scale yet but I'm definitely feeling more energized and my clothes seem to be fitting a little bit better and really, those are the things that are most important to me anyway.

I'll try to be better about updating. I do read everybody else's posts but can just never seem to find the time to sit down and write an update myself.

I'm so glad it's Monday and we're starting to get some sort of routine back. Last week was really crazy. Josh's entire family was so torn up about his cousin Jamie. Josh tried to work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday but he had a hard time concentrating. Thursday was the funeral and it was a very difficult day for everybody. Jamie's mother seems to be holding herself together for right now but I'm worried about her. I don't want to bug her but I've told her that I'd be happy to help with anything she needs and I hope she'll reach out to me if she does. I check in on her through Josh's mom every few days because they talk a lot.

After that long and draining week we asked my parents if they would watch Delia for us last weekend and we spent the weekend doing things together. We ran some errands and went to the drive-in. It was a nice weekend. Whenever Delia spends the night at my parent's house we miss her something awful. She could really care less though. We picked her up on Sunday and she didn't want anything to do with us, little booger.

Now this week it's business as usual... for the most part anyway. Everybody is still trying to sort things out which is hard because there really is no sense to be made of it. I'm doing what I can but there's not much I can do and that makes me feel useless. Time will heal the wounds or else make them easier to handle at least.

In other news, the check from the loan we took out on Josh's 401K came late last week. We deposited it and are just waiting for the bank to take the hold off of it. That'll come off tomorrow and then I can get some shit paid which will be nice. I'll be able to register for my fall classes and then start figuring out how to pay for my textbooks. I have a feeling it's going to be a LONG three years of schooling...

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now but I haven't posted in forever and I'm all kinds of pissed off today so I'm going to vent and try to get it out of my head so that I might be productive today.

I started my first class for the graduate program through UMass Boston last month and so far it's been going really well. That, actually, is the least of my stress. What is it that everybody seems to be stressed out about? Oh, yeah.. Money. I feel like I can't catch an effing break. My car was supposed to be registered and inspected in December and I couldn't afford it so I drove it for a couple of months more before I got my tax returns and had the money. I registered it and made an appointment to have it inspected and the DAY BEFORE my appointment I got pulled over. I told the cop that I had an appointment but he gave me a ticket anyway. I told him the reason why I didn't get it registered and inspected was because I was laid off and broke but apparently he has no soul. He gave me a ticket which I didn't have the money to pay. I paid it this week but of course it was paid late and so now they've tacked on a $50 late fee and suspended my license which I have to pay another $50 to reinstate. So now the effing ticket that I couldn't afford in the first place is costing me a $100 more. I accept my share of the fault in the whole thing but really, what am I supposed to do if I don't have the money? I have a toddler at home who needs to eat which is about the only place left to skimp on... ARG. SO FRUSTRATING!

On top of that the school sent me a HUGE bill that I need to call and deal with, my parents had to buy my school books for me, I had propane delivered that needs to be paid for... the list goes on. If it weren't for all this extra stuff that keeps coming up we would be fine. I've made a budget and I stick very close to it. We've cut back everywhere we can think to cut back. There have been no extravagant purchases, we hardly ever go out to eat, we don't have cable, Josh's work pays for our internet, I coupon like crazy and save a LOT of money on our groceries. I refuse to go back to work. I'm focusing on getting my degree and staying home with my daughter but geez louise if life could just cut me a break I would be SO appreciative.

Anyway, with that bit of grumpiness out of the way... we celebrated Delia's second birthday yesterday. Her birthday was actually on the first but that's fourth of July weekend and most everybody has plans so we waited a week to have her party. It was amazing! We had beautiful weather, I was prepared and didn't have to scramble around at the last minute to get things ready or set up, and we had great company. It was such an easy and stress free day and I think everybody had fun. We bought Delia a little pool and a trampoline for her birthday so we had those set up for the kids to play with. We also had sidewalk chalk and I printed up some coloring pages. She got so many wonderful and generous presents and I am just so grateful to all my friends and family for coming and celebrating with us. Of course it came with it's own bit of drama. We only invited immediate family and close friends because I didn't want it to be a HUGE party and I also didn't want people to feel obligated to come. My aunt who really has nothing to do with us got all bent out of shape that she wasn't invited. I swear, you just can't please everybody.

I suppose, I ought to get to work on my homework assignment before Josh finds me messing around on his computer and I get into trouble :)

The only major thing I've been up to since I quit my job in December is applying for graduate school. It's something I was researching even before I quit but I started pursuing it even harder after. I settled on UMass Boston, they have an online degree program where I can get my master's degree in Family Therapy. The application process was kind of tedious. I had to fill out the application of course, get three letters of reference, write two essays, and take the GRE. Once that was all done and submitted there was an interview with two professors and four other applicants and after that was completed they emailed us an assignment to complete and email back. I completed all of it though and received an email a couple weeks ago letting me know that they are recommending me for acceptance and that I will be receiving a formal acceptance letter in the mail. Classes won't start until this summer though but I'm really excited. It'll take me three years to finish (part of that being an internship) and by the time I'm done Delia will be in school and then I can go back to work. Yay for plans.

My financial contribution has been to try to learn how to be more frugal. I've started my own coupon blog (www.mainecouponqueen.blogspot.com) where I've been blogging the deals I find and the things I learn. I'm still struggling with keeping a budget and not overspending but we're getting there. I'm getting a pretty good stash of non-perishables built up when things are super cheap or even free which is pretty exciting.

Delia is 21 months old now. I can't believe we'll be having her second birthday party soon. She's a really good girl for the most part but she's definitely starting to get some sass to her. She's heavy into the "no" phase for the past couple of weeks. We're trying to deal with it by not phrasing things as questions that are not choices for her and if she says no we tell her it's not a choice. It's still difficult though and we have a fair amount of melt downs. She's a lot of fun and talking up a storm and we just love her to pieces.

"Friendship, it begins when two people choose each other, but what happens when we outgrow the choice, when little by little our paths diverge, our needs change, and one day we wake up and realize we need to choose something different" - Being Erica

The older I get the more I hate my birthday. It has absolutely nothing about getting older, not yet anyway. No, my birthday hatred is more self absorbed than that. My favorite birthday is when I turned 20. I was a Sophomore in college and my roommates threw me a surprise party. They did it on Valentines day and I think it was a Friday night. They all stayed home (they were all older and could go to the bars and clubs so I spent a lot of time alone in our dorm room), they made me a cake, and they played a board game with me that I had been trying to get someone to play with me for the longest time. It was something that I didn't have to plan and it was all about me, I loved it.

It seems like since then, every birthday I have to plan my own "party" or nobody does anything for me. A couple of years ago I did an experiment and didn't plan anything just to see if someone else would... they didn't. I don't remember what I ended up doing but it wasn't anything particularly special. Last year was pretty much the same but I'm pretty sure I asked some of my family to go out to dinner with me. I love Josh to pieces but he's really not on the ball about these things. Today he asked if my parents might be able to take Delia for a while this weekend and when I asked him what for he said it was so we could try to organize the basement and storage. I said "well, my birthday is on Saturday" and he says back "oh, that's right, for some reason I was thinking it was in the middle of the week, I keep forgetting what day it is" (meaning the date today, not my actual birth date).

My friend Tina invited me to go to a movie with her. There's a place in Portland that is playing Casablanca on Saturday and she asked if I wanted to go. It's really nice that she thought of me and invited me but I can't help but feeling like I'm an after thought. She loves me, I know she does, we've been friends for what seems like forever. The thing is though is that our lives are completely different and while we try not to let that affect our friendship and we do our best at it, it still does. She live in the city and has close friends there that she sees every day. I live in the country (45 minutes away). She does a lot of stuff with the friends who live closer to her (which is understandable) and I don't get invited to much so I kind of feel like this is more of a "I want to go see Casablanca but it's Larissa's birthday so I'll invite her so I can do both" type of thing. Maybe I'm just having a pity party and that's not what it is at all, but it's hard not to feel that way and that's not how I want it to be. I want my birthday to be about me, not about something someone else wants to do that I get to tag along. If she had invited me any other time and it hadn't been my birthday I would have been thrilled to get the invitation but like I said, it feels too much like an after thought. Sometimes I feel that if it wasn't for the fact that she's been friends with me for longer than any of her other friends, that she wouldn't think of me as her "bff" at all because when it comes down to it lately she really doesn't tell me much of anything and sometimes it feels like I hardly know her at all anymore.

Wow, this has gotten extremely depressing.

Sorry for bringing the room down :)

I took Delia to Princesses on Ice yesterday. It was our first official Mommy/Daughter date and I almost effed it up. My cousin (who is legally blind and can't drive) wanted to go so I told her if she bought tickets for the same show that I would drive her and her daughter. I checked my ticket and told her the date and time. She must have written it down wrong and instead of buying tickets for the 2/12 3:00 show she bought tickets for the 3/13 3:30 show. I just assumed that she bought tickets to the right one since I looked at the ticket when I gave her the info and she wrote it down and that's my fault, I should have double checked. So when she contacted me and told me she bought the ticket I got it into my head that was the show we were going to. Can you see where this is going?

We show up there and long story short figure out I showed up for the wrong show. The lady scanning the tickets told me to go talk to the people at the ticket window so I do that and luckily this guy took pity on me and was able to get me a new ticket to that show. I had been so excited because I splurged and bought us a front row ticket and was sure I'd be put in some awful seat but was willing to take what I could get at that point. It all worked out though, he was able to find me a single front row ticket (which is all I bought in the first place since Delia could sit on my lap).

I was so relieved that everything worked out and I didn't have to buy another ticket or anything because let's face it, I don't have the money. We had a great time! Delia got a little restless but she danced and clapped with the music, SO cute :)